Playground tactics

I feel like I’m on a see saw.

Every conversation puts me opposite of where you are. Happy, sad, angry, satisfied.

All I ask is for a little consistency. Put me somewhere in the middle and leave me there.

You heard me right, I said it.

LEAVE ME.

Can one of us talk without crushing the other?

I didn’t think so either.

on being manipulated.

Refuses: Sorry for the lame text…sounds like you’re moving on pretty well, so I should too…just having a little bit of a hard time. Allow me a little bit of weakness though, ok?

my non-responses:

..if you only knew.

FUCK OFF!

I wish you would just call me and fix it, but I have a hunch your actions mean more than your words. They always did. And you still haven’t called.

Grow a pair.

I miss you.

You don’t have the right. You did this. You don’t get to be sad, and you don’t get to drag me down with you.

If you loved me, you would let me go.

introspective

What are you thinking about?

like last time.

The last time I chatted with an ex, I eventually slept with him and that was the end of that. That was the end.

Now, chatting with Refuses is just so painful, but doesn’t hurt enough to stop, because I want it so bad. Deep down, I want him to want to talk to me.

And it doesn’t really matter if I’m not the one starting it, or if I’m the one keeping it out of flirting territory, because I am the one enjoying it and I will enevitably be the one getting over it. solo. alone. without refuses. In my sweatpants, with my girl movie, and an extra season of Mad Men.

But I can’t help myself. I just want to talk to him. Want to see if there is really anything left there.

What I don’t want- is to be his entertainment in the meantime. His person until he finds the next one.

I don’t want to be around for when he is lonely or sad, and without any other girl to make him happy.

Rather I want to be the one he goes to make him happy, over all of the others.

REPEAT AFTER ME: I am the rule, not the exception. I am the rule, not the exception.

grace in small things twenty six

5. It is almost fall. That means there is still summer weather in San Diego, but I get to apply my dark purple nail polish to my toesies and not feel out of season. Yay!

4. Coats.

3. There will probably be a new boy by Christmas… err, hopefully by Easter?

2. Concerts, concerts and more concerts.Ohh I cannot wait for all of the swooning over lead singers, and the dancing.

1. 45 minute conversations with my brother. He is my anchor, time and time again.

little one

the littlest big things you don’t know about me:

1. My youngest sister passed away when I was 10. She was 4 years old and died of brain cancer.
2. My parents divorced shortly after.
3. I lie all the time and say that I only have 2 brothers and a sister, although I really had 2 sisters. It still feels like a lie 13 years later.
4. I miss her a lot, and still talk to her every once in a while.
5. I believe in heaven and angels, if only for her.
6. When I was younger I used to talk to her nightly, and pretended she was in guardian angel school, training to be someone else’s guardian angel.
7. I have trouble imaging what it would have been like to have her when we were being shuttled between my parent’s houses in the midst of the divorce. I can’t decide if it would have been better or worse.
8. We used to write a note, tie it to balloons and let it go every year on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. Some years were harder than others.
9. I can’t imagine what my parent’s must have felt. They must have wanted to die themselves.
10. I still get envious when I hear my friends talk about younger siblings that would be the same age as her. They have no idea how much it stings.
11. She would have turned 19 years old last month.

hi life,

Today is going to be awesome. So go suck it.

Thanks,

Me

heal me. I’m just short of begging.

heal my heart, please. Because it never seems like the crazy goes far. Always one step behind me, waiting for me to slow down, so it can finally catch up.

heal me sooner rather than later, please. I would like to close the door on you once and for all, and lock out the crazy until the next time.

heal me for now, please. It doesn’t even have to be forever, just for now. The next time will be good, this I know. But the next time is hardly imaginable, with no foreseeable future.

And I truly believe that this is what makes love so great.

Minus the crazy.

crafty little devil

First thing’s first. I am not crafty. I am, however, very very broke. So as a result I am teaching myself to become crafty.

I like new things, but due to the *ahem* lack of funds, instead of buying new things, I am making old things new.

This is my fist attempt, so please don’t laugh.

Before: (yes, it’s upside down)

After (part one): I removed the old fabric and stapled the new fabric and ribbon on. I purchased the fabric online through purl. It came in a day and I was so excited to get it!

After (part 2): I made my fabric covered buttons using a kit I purchased at JoAnn’s and superglued them over the staples where the ribbon intersects. It is so cute and I cannot wait to hang it! This project was a perfect confidence booster, was no-sew (thank GOD!) and was less than $10!

grace in small things twenty five

5. My amazing thrift store find. Now all I have left to do is clean it, sand it, and paint it and buy hardware. Thank you internets for all of the DIY inspiration.
4. A day to just hang out, because this week was brutal.
3. Grandparents.
2. Gross-ass recipes. I made this soba noodle salad, and it was horrible, so instead I had edamame for dinner. Halloween diet starts today. 20 days and counting.
1. My $8 nightstand. Nevermind that sanding sucks.