Playground tactics

I feel like I’m on a see saw.

Every conversation puts me opposite of where you are. Happy, sad, angry, satisfied.

All I ask is for a little consistency. Put me somewhere in the middle and leave me there.

You heard me right, I said it.

LEAVE ME.

Can one of us talk without crushing the other?

I didn’t think so either.

on being manipulated.

Refuses: Sorry for the lame text…sounds like you’re moving on pretty well, so I should too…just having a little bit of a hard time. Allow me a little bit of weakness though, ok?

my non-responses:

..if you only knew.

FUCK OFF!

I wish you would just call me and fix it, but I have a hunch your actions mean more than your words. They always did. And you still haven’t called.

Grow a pair.

I miss you.

You don’t have the right. You did this. You don’t get to be sad, and you don’t get to drag me down with you.

If you loved me, you would let me go.

like last time.

The last time I chatted with an ex, I eventually slept with him and that was the end of that. That was the end.

Now, chatting with Refuses is just so painful, but doesn’t hurt enough to stop, because I want it so bad. Deep down, I want him to want to talk to me.

And it doesn’t really matter if I’m not the one starting it, or if I’m the one keeping it out of flirting territory, because I am the one enjoying it and I will enevitably be the one getting over it. solo. alone. without refuses. In my sweatpants, with my girl movie, and an extra season of Mad Men.

But I can’t help myself. I just want to talk to him. Want to see if there is really anything left there.

What I don’t want- is to be his entertainment in the meantime. His person until he finds the next one.

I don’t want to be around for when he is lonely or sad, and without any other girl to make him happy.

Rather I want to be the one he goes to make him happy, over all of the others.

REPEAT AFTER ME: I am the rule, not the exception. I am the rule, not the exception.

grace in small things twenty six

5. It is almost fall. That means there is still summer weather in San Diego, but I get to apply my dark purple nail polish to my toesies and not feel out of season. Yay!

4. Coats.

3. There will probably be a new boy by Christmas… err, hopefully by Easter?

2. Concerts, concerts and more concerts.Ohh I cannot wait for all of the swooning over lead singers, and the dancing.

1. 45 minute conversations with my brother. He is my anchor, time and time again.

heal me. I’m just short of begging.

heal my heart, please. Because it never seems like the crazy goes far. Always one step behind me, waiting for me to slow down, so it can finally catch up.

heal me sooner rather than later, please. I would like to close the door on you once and for all, and lock out the crazy until the next time.

heal me for now, please. It doesn’t even have to be forever, just for now. The next time will be good, this I know. But the next time is hardly imaginable, with no foreseeable future.

And I truly believe that this is what makes love so great.

Minus the crazy.

where I am now

I am here, in today, and worked out and sang and made fabric-covered buttons. FABRIC-COVERED BUTTONS.

I was driving today, and I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I had said out loud “I miss him.”

Instead of being sad or disappointed that the thought crept up, I was excited that so much time had past, elated that the thought made me realize how proud I am of myself.

I may not have loved him outwardly, to my friends or family, but I showed him time and time again. The opportunity presented itself to be special to someone, to be my best self for myself and for someone else. AND I DID.

Reluctantly, but I did. I came around. I was hurt too. I didn’t go, I stayed, and I was me the whole time.

He may not have been forever, but I didn’t really need him to be. I need me to be me forever, and right now, I really like that person.

in between the eyes

I am always surprised how “work, single, fun me” and “work boyfriend me” are so inherently different.

In the middle of the day, Work single fun me is focused on my career, willing to do what it takes, making plans in the back of my head for what I am eating for dinner or where I am working out.

In the middle of the day, work boyfriend me is focused on my career, willing to do what it takes, checking my cell phone for plans that night.

Both I like. Both work. Both don’t really have an impact on my work, my career. I have been able to resist mushing personal and work, and that is how I like it.

The me I have a problem with, is work ex boyfriend moving on me, who is focused on my career, willing to do what it takes, but gets drowned in a mindful of fog the minute the ex resurfaces. I am so surprised a message (a FACEBOOK message nonetheless! PISS OFF!) from him at this stage, in the middle of my focused work day, can render me useless for a minute or two, as though I was tazered with all of our memories.

The last couple of weeks- I have been happy work single fun me and loving it. Then a message paralyzes my progress for a moment and all of the sudden, even if for a split second, my feelings for him stop me from working. It is as though my kid sister just punched me right between the eyes. My thoughts are blurry, and my head returns to evaluate choices from relationship issues that have long since been laid to rest.

I hate that he can have that affect on me. I love that his pull will fade over time.

you don’t have the right

to thank me for being the best girlfriend ever. PISS OFF!

You, on the other hand, have the right to do whatever you want and you can tweet about it.

A big sigh of relief

I went to sleep last night at 7:30 pm, and woke up feeling like myself again.

I went to workout (and got my ass-handed to me by an awesome instructor) this morning.

Today I am going to hang out with a group of girls I hung out with before Refuses made an appearance, and I can’t wait to have fun with them again.

I am moving on today, demanding my old life, my old me back, and getting out of this funk.

From here on out I will be working out like I used to, eating like I just worked out, making plans like they are all mine, and living like my heart has never been bruised.

grace in small things: twenty three

5. girlfriends.
4. going out with girlfriends.
3. baking for girlfriends.
2. dinner with girlfriends
1. Really appreciating the fact that they love you, and they probably won’t ever leave you.