happy, really?

Hi happy,
It was so nice of you to show up today. I’ll have you know it was also totally unexpected. But yet, here I am, happy. It’s a little sick.

I worked 10 hours, have $0 until the 9th, and thought it was Wednesday all day when in fact it was Tuesday, and look, still happy.
I stayed up too late last night, was late for work and have a bed covered in clothes that need to be put away. How is this possible?

Actually, you know what? Nevermind. I am just going to go with it.

Don’t crush me, I am happy.

grace in small things twenty four

I am feeling lucky, and happy and maybe a bit hungover from a crazy-ass weekend.

5. Thankful that UCSB taught me to play beer pong very well. It is a skill that has impressed the male-sort on many occasions.

4. I only barfed once this weekend. So thankful, because it could have been much more than that.

3. Pants went out of town. All the good shit goes down whenever one of my closest friends leaves. Strength in un-numbers?

2. We are throwing a Halloween party and my bee costume fits!

1. My sister kicks ass, and she’s got the body to prove it. She completed a 20 day backpacking trip with her boyfriend. I would say hanging out with your BF for twenty straight days would kill you, let alone doing it in the wilderness and hiking 15 miles a day. Plus, she lived off of shitty camping food they carried in and was basically hungry for 17 days.

Missing you

Because I miss you already and you are right next to me.

moving mountains with teardrops

today could have easily played a huge part in a series of events that I will come back to me, as I look back to pin point where it all went wrong.

I am sitting in the dirty shoebox, which is where they send little boys and girls when they misbehave (also known as my bedroom in the new place.) It is an unfinished room, with one blue wall, and basically has enough space for one full size bed and no natural lighting.

I was an emotional wreck today, basically a mix of feeling grateful, taken advantage of, and too chicken to speak my mind.

Happy Tueday everyone.

net worth

I have been evaluating my worth over and over again. I know, what the fuck am I evaluating? I am fucking awesome, the best anyone will ever get. But really I think mostly about whether or not if I am being an adult; if I handled that situation with class; if I approached it a different way, how would it turn out. I wish I could have a little more faith in each of my little actions, and let them all come together in one functional thread of thoughts and actions. I want to see me in your eyes and I want me to be sparkling and flawless- put together in all the times I feel like I am falling apart.

oh and I am looking for a therapist in San Diego. Clearly. *ahem*

all ready

to be happy. I was all set and ready to write a scathing post about people and their mothers, but I don’t really feel that bitchy. I drove home from my new job (in under a cool 12 minutes!) and realized that I have not been this happy in a long time. I really love my job. It is a little gross- the puppies in the park look cuter, the children on the sidewalk less annoying.

I see a future in this line of work. I see a future of expertise and me leveraging my strengths. I have managed to keep past relationships viable, while building new ones.

Part of me just can’t beleive it. I had no clue how unsatisfied I was with my work until now.

I am definitely ready to be happy.

Simple life

I was watching a guy talk on the phone, while he stood at an intersection, waiting for the little green man to beckon him to the other side.

He looked happy. Like he was talking to someone on the other end that cared. Someone whose words made him rock on his toes, smile, and laugh, all within the same moment.

And, I thought to myself, “Man, that looks easy.”

And then I wondered, “Why?”

I answered with another question. Why do I envy his “easy?” when I constantly find myself consoling my insides with mumblings of “alone is easier” and “a lack of prospects equals peace.” I tell myself that drama-free silence accompanied by a simple life refuses to upset the delicate balance my life depends on.

Crazy is what happens when love interests get involved. The waiting for the phone calls, the fact that an entire day hinges on another’s actions. I constantly look for the signs that indicate that the stakes are too high, and all of the worry that comes from wondering if I will ever be me again, after this, floods my mind.

As I watched his carefree reactions on the street corner, I pinpointed my discontentment. It wasn’t that I want to be a pair, or don’t want to be single. Rather, I want to be distracted. I want to flit mindlessly away from money woes and job hunts. I want to laugh on the phone in a simple second of happiness, even if all it provided was a distraction.

Single forces me to look at myself. By default, all of the changes, self-improvement, and worrying are aimed back in my direction. Without the distraction that crazy fosters, I am left to face all of my problems that are so easily pushed aside otherwise. And frankly, it is tiring. They don’t go away and just stare back at me, as if to say “What now? No excuses.”

So what do I do in response? I wish to be crazy (and maybe in love.)

Running out of time

I love the days when I just HAVE to go for a run. When there is barely enough time to justify it as working out, when I should be doing more important things, and when I need to be showered and on my way within the hour.

But I love the run. I love the songs. I love the last minute decision where I came so close to bailing out, BUT I DON’T.

Instead I pull back my hair, shove my keys in my pants and hunt down my iPod.

Then I run, determined. Because if I managed to get my ass out here, I might as well make it worth it.

Breathing Easy

I went from work to hang out with Pants tonight. I miss her from college and was excited to just chat, swap stories and calm each other’s angst about the future.

We saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and giggled the whole way through, especially every time Leo was on the screen. Swoon-worthy for sure.

I drove home and was breathing comfortably. I have been reconsidering my career choice and looking for extra work on the weekends and today, finally, I felt like I was moving in the right direction.

Nothing changed, but I felt that for a second I could stop looking to see “what’s next?

Looking at where I am in my life, I am having a good time. I enjoy the days as they come. Pants and I agreed that our problems seem so trivial compared to those of other people my age. Divorce? Moving in with Cesar the Peruvian line cook at Macaroni Grill after three weeks? Yikes. I’ll take a little bar makeout session any day.