grace in small things twenty six

5. It is almost fall. That means there is still summer weather in San Diego, but I get to apply my dark purple nail polish to my toesies and not feel out of season. Yay!

4. Coats.

3. There will probably be a new boy by Christmas… err, hopefully by Easter?

2. Concerts, concerts and more concerts.Ohh I cannot wait for all of the swooning over lead singers, and the dancing.

1. 45 minute conversations with my brother. He is my anchor, time and time again.

little one

the littlest big things you don’t know about me:

1. My youngest sister passed away when I was 10. She was 4 years old and died of brain cancer.
2. My parents divorced shortly after.
3. I lie all the time and say that I only have 2 brothers and a sister, although I really had 2 sisters. It still feels like a lie 13 years later.
4. I miss her a lot, and still talk to her every once in a while.
5. I believe in heaven and angels, if only for her.
6. When I was younger I used to talk to her nightly, and pretended she was in guardian angel school, training to be someone else’s guardian angel.
7. I have trouble imaging what it would have been like to have her when we were being shuttled between my parent’s houses in the midst of the divorce. I can’t decide if it would have been better or worse.
8. We used to write a note, tie it to balloons and let it go every year on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. Some years were harder than others.
9. I can’t imagine what my parent’s must have felt. They must have wanted to die themselves.
10. I still get envious when I hear my friends talk about younger siblings that would be the same age as her. They have no idea how much it stings.
11. She would have turned 19 years old last month.

hi life,

Today is going to be awesome. So go suck it.

Thanks,

Me

happy, really?

Hi happy,
It was so nice of you to show up today. I’ll have you know it was also totally unexpected. But yet, here I am, happy. It’s a little sick.

I worked 10 hours, have $0 until the 9th, and thought it was Wednesday all day when in fact it was Tuesday, and look, still happy.
I stayed up too late last night, was late for work and have a bed covered in clothes that need to be put away. How is this possible?

Actually, you know what? Nevermind. I am just going to go with it.

Don’t crush me, I am happy.

where I am now

I am here, in today, and worked out and sang and made fabric-covered buttons. FABRIC-COVERED BUTTONS.

I was driving today, and I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I had said out loud “I miss him.”

Instead of being sad or disappointed that the thought crept up, I was excited that so much time had past, elated that the thought made me realize how proud I am of myself.

I may not have loved him outwardly, to my friends or family, but I showed him time and time again. The opportunity presented itself to be special to someone, to be my best self for myself and for someone else. AND I DID.

Reluctantly, but I did. I came around. I was hurt too. I didn’t go, I stayed, and I was me the whole time.

He may not have been forever, but I didn’t really need him to be. I need me to be me forever, and right now, I really like that person.

you don’t have the right

to thank me for being the best girlfriend ever. PISS OFF!

You, on the other hand, have the right to do whatever you want and you can tweet about it.

A big sigh of relief

I went to sleep last night at 7:30 pm, and woke up feeling like myself again.

I went to workout (and got my ass-handed to me by an awesome instructor) this morning.

Today I am going to hang out with a group of girls I hung out with before Refuses made an appearance, and I can’t wait to have fun with them again.

I am moving on today, demanding my old life, my old me back, and getting out of this funk.

From here on out I will be working out like I used to, eating like I just worked out, making plans like they are all mine, and living like my heart has never been bruised.

a little bit proud

…a little bit not.

I talked to my roommate today. Actually, I cried at my roommate today. I said my piece and she listened. Really listened. It took a ton of guts, especially because I was essentially having a conversation that there was no solution to. There wasn’t really a problem to be fixed, but rather, I just had to air my grievances.

I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just complaining. Two months later, though, and I am still crying. I wonder if I can be happy here?

I feel better, but am worried I made her feel bad for hurting my feelings. None of us meant to make it hard. It kinda just happened. I wish I could have a really great conversation without crying. I fear it is manipulative- like how can you be mad, when you so clearly hurt my feelings.

Does anyone else have this problem?

same stress, new cycle part 1

I am stressed out, approximately every 14 days. Every two weeks I am freaking out about when I am going to get paid- And I have a steady job with a steady income.

I know this sounds crazy to some people, especially those who don’t have jobs, but I am not going to pretend to understand what you are going through, because I can’t, and I wouldn’t know where to start.

Yesterday I cried for the first time in my life over money. My adult financial situation.

Ya, Ya, people my age bitch all the time about how we don’t make enough or a “so broke,” but yesterday I said, out loud, for the very first time how much money I owe. And then I cried.

I cried because every last cent of money owed is money I have actively spent. Sure some unfortunate things came up, but the money wasn’t mine to spend and I did anyway. Every latte, every lunch, every night out was I choice I made. Every necklace and every vacation or weekend trip.

It is no one’s fault but my own.

And no one can fix it but me.

Missing you

Because I miss you already and you are right next to me.