heal me. I’m just short of begging.

heal my heart, please. Because it never seems like the crazy goes far. Always one step behind me, waiting for me to slow down, so it can finally catch up.

heal me sooner rather than later, please. I would like to close the door on you once and for all, and lock out the crazy until the next time.

heal me for now, please. It doesn’t even have to be forever, just for now. The next time will be good, this I know. But the next time is hardly imaginable, with no foreseeable future.

And I truly believe that this is what makes love so great.

Minus the crazy.

A big sigh of relief

I went to sleep last night at 7:30 pm, and woke up feeling like myself again.

I went to workout (and got my ass-handed to me by an awesome instructor) this morning.

Today I am going to hang out with a group of girls I hung out with before Refuses made an appearance, and I can’t wait to have fun with them again.

I am moving on today, demanding my old life, my old me back, and getting out of this funk.

From here on out I will be working out like I used to, eating like I just worked out, making plans like they are all mine, and living like my heart has never been bruised.

grace in small things: twenty two

5. I haven’t overdrawn my account, yet.
4. More is better writes a new post. Hilarious.
3. Zicam, Tylenol, L-lysine, and Emergen-C. Overdose much?
2. The excited moments in between all of the really, really sad ones.
1. Making it to the oil change place before it closed. Extra points because they didn’t try to sell me on every litlle thing that is wrong with my car.

Black hole

He loves Space more than me, and I have never been more sure of that than now.

I have a question.

It goes something like this.

I want to date someone that is a smidge more exciting than me. Someone who will take the plunge, the leap or the fall.

Someone who will jump when you least expect it.

I want to date someone that makes me a little more normal, a little less all over the place, and a lot more inspired.

But if I want to date someone more exciting than me, doesn’t everyone?

No one wants to date boring, uninteresting and standard, but doesn’t someone end up being that by default?

So if everyone is out there looking for someone a smidge more exciting than themselves, than what will the most interesting people do? They will have no one to be their fire, their excitement.

Or do the most interesting people, in fact, look for someone to tame them. They have all the excitement they need and in pursuit of balance, they choose mellow, less ferocious?

I had tame, mellow, sensible and rational. Not a speck of crazy in Him. I was bored, unfulfilled. So when I meet new people who are a little less than thrilling, I automatically wonder… Am I choosing the same thing all over again?

Farm this.

There is a pattern. I quickly became obsessed with Pioneer Woman after reading her love story. She single-handedly renewed my faith in love.

Then there is Penelope Trunk. She is smart, funny, and fabulously sensible. The story about her and her farmer was amazing and I quickly gobbled up every tidbit she divulged. I just downloaded her audiobook. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Then as a result of all my farmer research (via following these two women), there was an ad that popped up for Farmersonly.com.

Yes, I did. I clicked. I was curious.

Then I realized that is never something I will ever again admit to doing. EVER.

haunting heroine

In response to jersey girl.

I do not envy where you are. I heard your jumble in my head all day at work, and couldn’t help but lay it all out there. You are the voice in my head, not more than 2 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Your “jumble” was my two page Word documents that I saved to a secret spot on my computer, where no one could find them. I wish I had them now because I would show them to you. Proof that, over time, your jumble will unscramble itself before your very eyes. You will look ahead for a sign, then backwards over your shoulder towards what you have grown to love, and then again straight ahead; watching as the road you are on takes shape in front of you. Only then will it be clear, not a moment sooner. And you won’t even need to ask where or why. Instead you will follow it. Because it is the only thing, at that moment, that feels right.

I took that road. Only then did people tell me I was right all along. They knew he wasn’t for me.

I took that road. And to this day, it is the ONLY time in my life I felt truly crazy. Like my own thoughts were betraying me, my reasoning was off, and I couldn’t trust what was swirling around in my own head.

I took that road, but not without looking back. I estalked, I tried to find out everything I could about him, but I did it from a far. Because talking to him would have hurt him more than I already had; and I loved him more than that. I chased every car that looked like his, and dreamed of the day when we would serendipitously cross paths in our hometown.

I took that road, and knew it was the right one.

Even then, when I found out he had a new gf six months in, I collapsed in the shower and cried as the water refused to wash away the hurt.

I took that road and I would do it again, in search of the right kind of love.

besties*

Purge part 2:

My roommate’s best friend came to stay with us last week. It was perfect- just like all occasions are with best friends. They painted each other’s toe nails and shopped. They drank wine and discussed relationships, parents and jobs. I excused myself when the conversation got too personal and let them have their moments.

As a result, I couldn’t wait to have mine with my best friend. So I met my her in San Francisco and we reveled in the fact that we were reunited. We ran in the Bay to Breakers race dressed as Flintstones, and drank 2 bottles of wine over a baguette and cheese in the Ferry Plaza. We caught up on past episodes of Grey’s and dissected my love life over another bottle of wine later in the weekend. We talked pregnancy, Brazilian waxes and marriage with a former roommate from college and her brand new boyfriend (yes, I think we officially scarred him for life). We skipped to Loehmann’s slightly buzzed in search of discounted designer jeans and cocktail dresses. We squeezed every girlie moment out of the weekend.

I miss her, but somehow we stay connected. We get the stresses in each other’s lives and we flawlessly pick up right where we left off.

Monday morning, I returned to SD rejuvenated.

And then my car died in the parking lot of a Taco Bell (don’t ask what I was doing there), and a bunch of crack addicits walking around suburbia in bikinis helped me jump start my car. All that was accomplished Monday was unsuccessfully channeling the feeling I had at the wine bar, sitting across from my her, toasting to friendship.

*”besties” kind of makes me gag, so I thought it appropriate.

half-empty

If I could I would have taken all the hurt away. I know you are feeling crappy, and are doubting if you should stay there. But I have also seen how happy he makes you, and how his eyes acknowledge, everyday, that he wouldn’t be able to go on without you.

Do your parents know what is best? I would put my money on yes.

I don’t think you know now what you want. More importantly I don’t think you are willing to give up the trade off. Parents or husband? I know you couldn’t live without them, and I know you would resent him for driving them away.

I wish I could fix it. Eventually (really long eventually) your parents will come around and apologize for thinking of keeping you from the love of your life. But you will have given up a life with them to be with your soul mate.

Or eventually, you will leave him, because the trade off is too much, and you will meet someone, and know that the love of your life is out there waiting, and you let those acknowledging eyes go.

And hopefully, instead of the solution that leaves you half-empty, you will find that the man for you that can negotiate all of the things that are important to you. Because after all, it just isn’t right unless your parents approve and you are madly in love. And he will be perfect and you will thank your lucky stars and all of your exs that you finally love the man that can give you everything you truly needed.

Because, after all, half-empty only means that there is another half yearning to be filled.

simple as it should be

My favorite part of visiting my grandma is asking her open-ended questions, and then watching her recount her reality as if it were yesterday. In the present, she usually stumbles over words and tells the same story repeatedly. When discussing the past, her stories flow flawlessly as though she is reading subtitles to a movie of her own life. She smiles at the right times and looks as though she can feel what is being said. It is moving.

I asked her if she has favorite Grandpa moments and she replied,

“Every time he sees me, his face lights up. I am sure mine does the same, but he looks so happy.”

After so many years together, and so many moments of showing each other thier best and worst self, it is that easy.