Looking for like

25 Feb

Dinner with friends. I was dreading it while at the CS bonfire (more on that later), because it is usually uneventful and I am usually holding back for fear of being the wild, crazy, and lonely one. You see, two of three are rather settled, and by comparison, I look unstable. About as unstable as a three-legged table.

So we ate and drank and were merry. We all seemed as though we wanted to be there. It was good and happy, and I mentioned I was sad but at least I was honest. I voiced my concerns over liking someone that, IF I had any standards, I wouldn’t normally. However, currently my only standard is that I want to be liked. So if you think you are a good candidate for liking me, well then, you can be mine.

They nodded and smiled at the fact that they never had to deal with the craziness of dating because, well, someone liked them. Permanently. And they laughed because I used to be permanent like them. And when I was temporarily permanent, S was “looking for like” just like I am now. And she found it. In two week increments, with a myriad of boys, during the most awkward time of our lives.

Enter me. Lonely and not really wanting to be permanent but not really wanting to be the odd one out, I have been the accompaniment to many a third-wheel situation. Which, I will admit, in my friend’s defense is not half bad because the boys they choose are just as good as company as the original friends. Plus, my friends’ permanents offer classic boy insight in commonly over-thought girl situations, including, but not limited to, “he’s just not that into you.”

So dinner with friends was great, and for a second we spoke of our real lives, instead of the one’s we like to think each other lives. Each time we meet, if there is not too much time in between, and no one else has anywhere else they would rather be, we are ourselves and we yearn for the support we used to provide for each other. Only then do we discuss sex in all its glorious/gory details, does S talk about her family and does K speak of true married life. And I get to talk about everything I wanted to tell them but didn’t since we stopped talking about the stuff that mattered.

We used to need the three. And now we are lucky if we can talk about anything other than what is happening in our lives. What we are feeling, however? That seems to be a little taboo for this table.


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