caught the clock

10 Mar

I just caught the clock. 10:43. and you came rushing back to me. and it was calm.

My life revolved around you and 10:43. I planned studying and friends around catching up with you. 10:45 was our time. I sat in my car covered in blankets or in my hallway against the bedroom door. I spoke softly to avoid waking roommates and often fell asleep while we were still on the phone. How else would we have made it all those years?

The time meant so much back then. From the time we didn’t spend together to the weekends we spent knotted in between sheets-All time well spent and all so symbolic at the same time. The parts when we were fused to each other sealed out all hopes of being social and sharing friends. The days we spent separated were there to prove that we didn’t need each other- that we each had our own dreams, and we were only willing to sacrifice so much.

But it was so routine, just like us. Comfort and convenience all rolled into one. 10:43 meant I was being good and that I had thought of you often while at school. I’d call a few minutes ahead to gush that I couldn’t wait any longer and we would swap muahs and highlights from the day.

10:46 was a message in itself. I am here, but late. I wonder now if I was secretly (and pretty consistently) letting you know that you didn’t control my life. Regardless, we were thankful to have each other, thankful to have someone to pick up with where we left off.

And then, at a time that can’t be marked on a clock, it was over. It was balanced, in a “we weren’t meant for each other” sort of way. I didn’t have time to talk because I didn’t want to be your wife. I didn’t want to be the me you saw in your life simply because it wasn’t me.
We were crushed, because all of our sacrifices up to that point were for nothing. We were back at square one, and we were going to move to square two alone. and we did.

And now, every once in a while, I catch the clock and think about calling you then.

I think about what it felt like to be loved by you, and then I remember, that you never loved me like I loved you.

And then, when the clock reaches 10:50, I am glad that the clock and I have moved on, one minute at a time.

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