Roller coaster nausea

6 May

I am roller coaster nauseaus, because emailing you today was like being on a roller coaster. And I still have all of these questions:

Here I am again, always telling you how I feel, when we both know that it is not what I think that matters. If it did, I wouldn’t be here. I still don’t know why you broke up with me. I don’t know what you were thinking before you did it, I don’t know if you to talked to anyone about it. I don’t know if you changed your mind somewhere down the road, or were waiting to see what happened at the wedding. I don’t know if you liked me at all in the beginning, or if you think you could like me from this point forward. I don’t know if you tried to tell me you messed up, or if you think this isn’t going anywhere, so why even bother? I don’t know if you drove by my house with your sister, or if you meant what you said when you broke up with me. I don’t know if you want to have casual sex, or if you think that would be impossible. I need to know what you have to offer me. I have put myself on the line too many times for you. Do you think you deserve a second chance or do you think we should be friends? Do you have feelings for me that would make that impossible?

Where were you when I needed you? You had three months to figure it out and you never contacted me? What did you think would happen? Did you really think I was scary? Is the fact that I am not a practicing Christian make you doubt this? What do you mean you have never had this before? WHY ARE YOU LYING?
What has changed between then and now? Why am I losing sleep over you? Are you losing sleep over me? What did you tell yourself to talk yourself out of it? Do any of those things still apply?

Finally, do you have resources? Referrals? Because I need to ask someone else, because I have a feeling you just lied to me.

I think the answers would just make me more nauseous.

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