haunting heroine

30 May

In response to jersey girl.

I do not envy where you are. I heard your jumble in my head all day at work, and couldn’t help but lay it all out there. You are the voice in my head, not more than 2 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Your “jumble” was my two page Word documents that I saved to a secret spot on my computer, where no one could find them. I wish I had them now because I would show them to you. Proof that, over time, your jumble will unscramble itself before your very eyes. You will look ahead for a sign, then backwards over your shoulder towards what you have grown to love, and then again straight ahead; watching as the road you are on takes shape in front of you. Only then will it be clear, not a moment sooner. And you won’t even need to ask where or why. Instead you will follow it. Because it is the only thing, at that moment, that feels right.

I took that road. Only then did people tell me I was right all along. They knew he wasn’t for me.

I took that road. And to this day, it is the ONLY time in my life I felt truly crazy. Like my own thoughts were betraying me, my reasoning was off, and I couldn’t trust what was swirling around in my own head.

I took that road, but not without looking back. I estalked, I tried to find out everything I could about him, but I did it from a far. Because talking to him would have hurt him more than I already had; and I loved him more than that. I chased every car that looked like his, and dreamed of the day when we would serendipitously cross paths in our hometown.

I took that road, and knew it was the right one.

Even then, when I found out he had a new gf six months in, I collapsed in the shower and cried as the water refused to wash away the hurt.

I took that road and I would do it again, in search of the right kind of love.

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2 Responses to “haunting heroine”

  1. Rachel May 30, 2008 at 12:19 pm #

    i’m sitting here, at my office desk crying my eyes out. not a bad cry, but not a good cry either… just excess of emotion i guess. your words are beautiful and have touched me in a place where none of my girlfriends spilling advice, none of my mothers pleas to just move on… nothing, has ever gotten to me before.

    i’m so lost because i still don’t know what i’m going to do. god, i love him so much. i want to be with him, more than anything in this whole world i want to spend my life with him.

    thank you, thank you. you’re amazing. you’re so kind. i’m very grateful.

  2. busypretending June 2, 2008 at 10:20 am #

    Rach- dry those eyes! or keep it up and go see the new sex and the city movie, at which you will cry a whole lot more.
    Thank you for your kind words and know that I think about you all the time.
    Just love him until you can’t love him anymore.

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