basic instinct

8 Jun

For fear of tarnishing who you thought I was, and who you wanted me to be.

I am scared us hanging out will ruin it. I am worried that I won’t be as cool as you thought I was. I want to be the me that you saw the night you told me I was cute and you liked my dimple. I want to be the me you woke up at 8:30 am because you saw I was sleeping without a pillow. I want to be the me you looked at in the driveway and asked me to stay and have breakfast.

I am scared that what I say will lead you to think that I am stupid and immature. I fear that you will shake your head at my comments, wishing I had turned out like the girl you met.

I think that maybe while you were gone the novelty wore off. That you didn’t need to call me, didn’t care how I spent my time.

I have our date stored in my head on continuous replay. I am rolling through the conversations and motions, over and over. Did I say anything stupid? Did I come off as uninteresting? Should I have stayed sober-er?

More concrete than all of my fears combined, I am feeling queasy and unable to concentrate. I am feeling like Wednesday was both the beginning and the end. I have a feeling you haven’t called for a reason.

My instincts are rarely wrong, no matter how off I wish them to be.


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