Simple life

17 Sep

I was watching a guy talk on the phone, while he stood at an intersection, waiting for the little green man to beckon him to the other side.

He looked happy. Like he was talking to someone on the other end that cared. Someone whose words made him rock on his toes, smile, and laugh, all within the same moment.

And, I thought to myself, “Man, that looks easy.”

And then I wondered, “Why?”

I answered with another question. Why do I envy his “easy?” when I constantly find myself consoling my insides with mumblings of “alone is easier” and “a lack of prospects equals peace.” I tell myself that drama-free silence accompanied by a simple life refuses to upset the delicate balance my life depends on.

Crazy is what happens when love interests get involved. The waiting for the phone calls, the fact that an entire day hinges on another’s actions. I constantly look for the signs that indicate that the stakes are too high, and all of the worry that comes from wondering if I will ever be me again, after this, floods my mind.

As I watched his carefree reactions on the street corner, I pinpointed my discontentment. It wasn’t that I want to be a pair, or don’t want to be single. Rather, I want to be distracted. I want to flit mindlessly away from money woes and job hunts. I want to laugh on the phone in a simple second of happiness, even if all it provided was a distraction.

Single forces me to look at myself. By default, all of the changes, self-improvement, and worrying are aimed back in my direction. Without the distraction that crazy fosters, I am left to face all of my problems that are so easily pushed aside otherwise. And frankly, it is tiring. They don’t go away and just stare back at me, as if to say “What now? No excuses.”

So what do I do in response? I wish to be crazy (and maybe in love.)

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One Response to “Simple life”

  1. Julie September 17, 2008 at 6:41 pm #

    Ohhh.. I feel you. It looks so nice, doesn’t it?

    But instead I go for the “I don’t care if you ever call” mantra and then listen to Ani DiFranco’s “Kunckle Down” album and remember why I’m so jaded.

    It’s nice to be comfortable and easy in a relationship. But for me? Easy doesn’t work.

    I just want you to find exactly what you deserve. A hot guy that calls you enough (but not too much), that rocks your world in bed, and makes you feel beautiful in sweats and makeup all over your face. That you know you can trust. And like the rest of the girls my heart feels for? I know you will find that man because you deserve him.

    Keep focusing on you. This is your time.

    xoxo

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