In response to jersey girl.
I do not envy where you are. I heard your jumble in my head all day at work, and couldn’t help but lay it all out there. You are the voice in my head, not more than 2 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Your “jumble” was my two page Word documents that I saved to a secret spot on my computer, where no one could find them. I wish I had them now because I would show them to you. Proof that, over time, your jumble will unscramble itself before your very eyes. You will look ahead for a sign, then backwards over your shoulder towards what you have grown to love, and then again straight ahead; watching as the road you are on takes shape in front of you. Only then will it be clear, not a moment sooner. And you won’t even need to ask where or why. Instead you will follow it. Because it is the only thing, at that moment, that feels right.
I took that road. Only then did people tell me I was right all along. They knew he wasn’t for me.
I took that road. And to this day, it is the ONLY time in my life I felt truly crazy. Like my own thoughts were betraying me, my reasoning was off, and I couldn’t trust what was swirling around in my own head.
I took that road, but not without looking back. I estalked, I tried to find out everything I could about him, but I did it from a far. Because talking to him would have hurt him more than I already had; and I loved him more than that. I chased every car that looked like his, and dreamed of the day when we would serendipitously cross paths in our hometown.
I took that road, and knew it was the right one.
Even then, when I found out he had a new gf six months in, I collapsed in the shower and cried as the water refused to wash away the hurt.
I took that road and I would do it again, in search of the right kind of love.