he sent: “thought you would like this juicy bit of news jack and jill went ring shopping… hope you are well :)”
my non-response: “wow. looks like all of you are good at being in shitty relationships.”
he would have said: “you were in the relationship too.”
my non-response: “no. you and I were completely different relationships.”
I haven’t heard from Refuses in 9 months, and he sends hope. you. are. well? I deleted.
I miss all sorts of things that were never really there.
5. I love my friends. I have never been so affirmed and so reliant. They, each in their own way, are my centers. Plus, they hate Refuses, so I don’t have to.
4. I might just change the sheets less.
3. I have a new found excitement for Vegas. There is a new Vegas dress, new Vegas shoes, and a whole new Vegas attitude to go with it.
2. One week down. Amen
1. I realized that I am pretty strong. Stronger than most, and most definitely stronger than Refuses. And that brings me comfort.
no amount of love will ever make me believe that you won’t someday cheat on me.
I am sad like you wouldn’t believe.
I an angry you threw it back on me in your moment of weakness.
I am disappointed you aren’t the man I thought you were.
and I am miserable knowing you think everything is going to be okay.
Refuses ruined it, and all I want to do it wait it out.
my heart hurts.
I feel like I have my friends back. And for the first time, I felt like I am not the only one that sounds ridiculous when you get dumped.
That’s the thing though, about being dumped, or left, or brokenhearted, you get a free pass (or 15). You get a free pass to cry in a crowded restaurant, to commandeer the conversation with stories about how great things were.
You get a free pass to eat ice cream on the couch, to not save face, over and over again. You get a free pass to expect ridiculous things from someone you know better than anyone else, from someone you know would never do those things .You get a free pass for all of those hopeful thoughts.
You get a free pass and you dont really have to use them wisely, but rather, irrattionaly.
You get a free pass for all of the time you invested and for all of the love you gave. You get 15 free passes for all of the hurt that you never thought you would be in.
And you get a free pass for figuring out your life, because right now you dont really need to. Just figure out yourself.
And just know that for all of those free passes, one day, you will be done and you will have realized that you moved on.
Just don’t hold your breath.