because sometimes I forget.
“The silver lining about the guy thing is that it’s better to have
someone show you they want out now rather than not have the guts to do
it and then tell you in three more years. He showed his true colors
and that means you now know that he wasn’t good enough for you.
You’re an extraordinary person, so you deserve to have an equal
partner, not one that has no balls (throwing his infidelity on you).
So in the mean time you get to fun free and the right one will come
your way down the road.
It stings right now, sometimes to the point where you want to throw
up, but we all know it gets better and then eventually you know it was
for the better.
Character building son!!!!!”
sometimes, you just need an anthem.
This is mine:
I miss all sorts of things that were never really there.
I just want to cry. and I just want to be comforted by his smile.
And I just want to believe again.
what I think has never mattered less than now.
I feel like I have my friends back. And for the first time, I felt like I am not the only one that sounds ridiculous when you get dumped.
That’s the thing though, about being dumped, or left, or brokenhearted, you get a free pass (or 15). You get a free pass to cry in a crowded restaurant, to commandeer the conversation with stories about how great things were.
You get a free pass to eat ice cream on the couch, to not save face, over and over again. You get a free pass to expect ridiculous things from someone you know better than anyone else, from someone you know would never do those things .You get a free pass for all of those hopeful thoughts.
You get a free pass and you dont really have to use them wisely, but rather, irrattionaly.
You get a free pass for all of the time you invested and for all of the love you gave. You get 15 free passes for all of the hurt that you never thought you would be in.
And you get a free pass for figuring out your life, because right now you dont really need to. Just figure out yourself.
And just know that for all of those free passes, one day, you will be done and you will have realized that you moved on.
Just don’t hold your breath.
I woke up excited he was gone. Done. Now, I could move on.
Except that I texted him “You still coming down?” on Wednesday morning because he had mentioned it the night before. He texted me that he would really like to see me. He was coming down to visit a friend and wondered if we could have dinner. Part of me was dreading it, that this would be his chance to say his last words. Tell me how awesome I was, how happy I made him, so he could leave without any burden on him.
I wanted him to want me. Wanted him to want me back, but I had last words too. I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, even if we couldn’t be together.
And so I waited.