Tag Archives: relationships

a really good therapist

21 Aug

Here is the thing with Therapists: You have to like them, to want to talk to them, and to feel like all the information you are spewing isn’t going into a big black hole.

I don’t think I will ever be best friends with mine (thought I would want to be, are there rules against that?), but I leave there after ever session feeling recharged,¬†rejuvenated¬†and armed with realizations and tools to truly make my own life better each day.
When you find a good one, they are life-changing. When you have the wrong one, it feels unsettling, like you lost the last piece of a 500 piece puzzle.

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overdraft fees blow.

23 Feb

My roomie is stubborn. I am stubborn.

The worst part: she was right.

ugh. Wish I wasn’t so stubborn.

Just thought you should know. (part 6)

1 Dec

Refuses had these stupid post its. These exact ones, in fact.

I found them on his desk in the first few weeks we were dating. They were shuffled below papers and schoolwork, and seemed like a safe enough place to leave a note. So I did. Amidst late night beers and movies, and casual sex on school nights, I wrote “I kinda like you. ” and I signed it with a heart and my name. Nothing of the note was ever mentioned.

Months later, Refuses graduated from college and as we both landed great new jobs, I wrote “I am so proud of you” and signed it with a heart and my name. Each time I went to write a new note, the previous note was gone.

Finally, the two nights before he moved to LA,¬† I wrote a post it that read: Just thought you should know “the best part was loving you” and signed it with a heart and my name.

It was true. I loved him, and this was my way of telling him before he left.

the preface (part 1)

22 Nov

Refuses texted me the day before Halloween.

“Hey I just got to Vegas for my buddy’s birthday & thinking about the awesome time we had when you and I were here. Miss you & hope you’re well :)”

And I was furious, but determined to not be brought down the day before my Halloween party. We had decorated! There were balloons! I was a sexy bee!

So I ignored him, because I didn’t want to stroke his ego, while he deflated my holiday. I just didn’t think that was fair.

The next day he texted “Sorry” only to earn no response from me. And honestly I could not have been more pissed, that he MOVED AWAY, and he couldn’t find it in himself to keep the pity party to himself?

So I partied without the pity part.

A big sigh of relief

19 Sep

I went to sleep last night at 7:30 pm, and woke up feeling like myself again.

I went to workout (and got my ass-handed to me by an awesome instructor) this morning.

Today I am going to hang out with a group of girls I hung out with before Refuses made an appearance, and I can’t wait to have fun with them again.

I am moving on today, demanding my old life, my old me back, and getting out of this funk.

From here on out I will be working out like I used to, eating like I just worked out, making plans like they are all mine, and living like my heart has never been bruised.

Tailspin

19 Feb

So my girlfriends from college and I post regularly to a website in order to stay in touch, and most of the time I post something I have written here or retell a new story.

Today, said this:

AND I have a boyfriend, I think. Which means I am feeling
CLAUSTROPHOBIC as we speak and contemplate breaking up with him
everyday. Do you have to break up with a guy that you weren’t sure you
were dating? And then my sister friended him on fb and ohmygod CAN YOU
FEEL THE WORLD CLOSING IN ON ME? It is getting dark. Quick. Where is
my secret escape hatch?
How did this happen? How do I stop it? and when did I become such a
freak?

Can I just say that I threw them all into a tailspin even though I was kind of kidding. I am not being smothered, but rather being confronted with the idea of having to let someone care about me again, and over here: THIS IS ME SHAKING IN MY SHOES.

Silently, of course. We hang out all normal and I’m not so scared when Refuses is around. But, holy hell, do I over analyze everything.

It is nice to know I am so cared for by them though. They don’t want to see me hurt, they want to see me flee at the first sign of trouble, but I can’t do that. I am here to test my limits. My limits mean that I need to try. I need to throw myself in it. I need to not be scared or I will be just as scared for every man that comes along.

I am ready to do this. I wish they had just heard my laughing, joking voice through the Interwebs. I was being dramatic.

Oh, and I really liked being single. I was fun and free and loved every little morsel of my own little life.
I am just scared that part of that love will get transferred into loving him and that is not okay with me. I worked hard for that solid, dependable part of me.

Let’s not eff it up!

caught the clock

10 Mar

I just caught the clock. 10:43. and you came rushing back to me. and it was calm.

My life revolved around you and 10:43. I planned studying and friends around catching up with you. 10:45 was our time. I sat in my car covered in blankets or in my hallway against the bedroom door. I spoke softly to avoid waking roommates and often fell asleep while we were still on the phone. How else would we have made it all those years?

The time meant so much back then. From the time we didn’t spend together to the weekends we spent knotted in between sheets-All time well spent and all so symbolic at the same time. The parts when we were fused to each other sealed out all hopes of being social and sharing friends. The days we spent separated were there to prove that we didn’t need each other- that we each had our own dreams, and we were only willing to sacrifice so much.

But it was so routine, just like us. Comfort and convenience all rolled into one. 10:43 meant I was being good and that I had thought of you often while at school. I’d call a few minutes ahead to gush that I couldn’t wait any longer and we would swap muahs and highlights from the day.

10:46 was a message in itself. I am here, but late. I wonder now if I was secretly (and pretty consistently) letting you know that you didn’t control my life. Regardless, we were thankful to have each other, thankful to have someone to pick up with where we left off.

And then, at a time that can’t be marked on a clock, it was over. It was balanced, in a “we weren’t meant for each other” sort of way. I didn’t have time to talk because I didn’t want to be your wife. I didn’t want to be the me you saw in your life simply because it wasn’t me.
We were crushed, because all of our sacrifices up to that point were for nothing. We were back at square one, and we were going to move to square two alone. and we did.

And now, every once in a while, I catch the clock and think about calling you then.

I think about what it felt like to be loved by you, and then I remember, that you never loved me like I loved you.

And then, when the clock reaches 10:50, I am glad that the clock and I have moved on, one minute at a time.