I know you don’t know what happened. I know you don’t know where I went. But I am here. Quiet, but here.
I am thinking so many things.
1) It takes a long time to get over someone.
2) You are the only person that can give someone permission to hurt your feelings.
They had nothing to say to each other because she knew he would leave her and never look back. And he knew he had his whole life ahead of him, and that she was “just for now.” She didn’t speak because she knew the answer. She had nothing to say for fear of tarnishing her cute, blunt attitude with a dirty, violent fear of being hurt. She didn’t want him to go, she wanted him to stay, but she didn’t want to have to say it first. In fact, she wasn’t going to say it all. She just wanted him to say it, so she could tell him to go. So she could tell him that we are both young, with so much going for them, and long distance is too hard, anyway.
That was the only way she was going to be able to have something to say. And if she had something to say, then maybe she could hold back the tears. Then she would appear stronger than she actually was, but the tears, they would give her away.
He didn’t say anything because he didn’t love her like that, and anything like that would just make her cry. And her tears, they were so wasted on him. He liked her jokes, and loved that she was smart, but she was so crtical of him. He could never see himself with her. He was relieved to be leaving.
So he kissed her, more than just once in order to make her smile, and then they left separately, thinking of all the things they could never tell each other.
Inspired by a past post by Chicken and Cheese
So my girlfriends from college and I post regularly to a website in order to stay in touch, and most of the time I post something I have written here or retell a new story.
Today, said this:
AND I have a boyfriend, I think. Which means I am feeling
CLAUSTROPHOBIC as we speak and contemplate breaking up with him
everyday. Do you have to break up with a guy that you weren’t sure you
were dating? And then my sister friended him on fb and ohmygod CAN YOU
FEEL THE WORLD CLOSING IN ON ME? It is getting dark. Quick. Where is
my secret escape hatch?
How did this happen? How do I stop it? and when did I become such a
Can I just say that I threw them all into a tailspin even though I was kind of kidding. I am not being smothered, but rather being confronted with the idea of having to let someone care about me again, and over here: THIS IS ME SHAKING IN MY SHOES.
Silently, of course. We hang out all normal and I’m not so scared when Refuses is around. But, holy hell, do I over analyze everything.
It is nice to know I am so cared for by them though. They don’t want to see me hurt, they want to see me flee at the first sign of trouble, but I can’t do that. I am here to test my limits. My limits mean that I need to try. I need to throw myself in it. I need to not be scared or I will be just as scared for every man that comes along.
I am ready to do this. I wish they had just heard my laughing, joking voice through the Interwebs. I was being dramatic.
Oh, and I really liked being single. I was fun and free and loved every little morsel of my own little life.
I am just scared that part of that love will get transferred into loving him and that is not okay with me. I worked hard for that solid, dependable part of me.
Let’s not eff it up!
There is more said in the meta-communication than what is actually said. That was a huge theme in my college courses, and the last few days, it seems to be popping up everywhere.
Resume submitting: I inserted my voice, made sure it was present. Then had to tone it down a bit. Because my voice sounds like a 22 year old trying to be funny. I was erring on the side of professionalism, but wanted it to reflect me at the same time. I wonder if all of those people you hear about landing their dream job via crazy antics simply thought their message wasn’t getting across.
Friend bailing: I invite you because I know you would like to be included, or at least have the option. It is polite, so I extend the invitation. I am okay when you don’t come, but there is no need to make up an excuse. A simple thanks, but no thanks works every time. It doesn’t reflect any better on you that you can’t leave your house to socialize, because you tell me the traffic will be too bad. The message is the same every time, it is only the excuse that sounds different.
Unreturned messages: Whether it be via phone or email, there is something valuable being communicated in each unanswered attempt. In fact, the time it takes you to return them and the medium by which you respond tells me everything I need to know. The words that accompany the silent message are simply filler. For certain uncertain personalities, this message kills me. I am hoping you get a clue as to why I am not calling you back.
… but either way it was bound to be fucked up before it even started. all because of this.
So I am a little scared to do this. It seems that every time I get into it with anyone and then I start writing it is doomed to fail because I am inevitably telling my computer or journal instead of telling my partner or seeking advice from friends. It also leads to fovever-doomed over thinking. Go figure. I am a month into this and I am over thinking.
So I am also a little scared because I am so quickly falling back into the old me. I am becoming the girl that will do anything for two seconds of feeling loved. It is an addiction and is my vice. I cannot believe it. Where did all rational thought go? And all for I guy that I think I am smarter than and that I think wont go anywhere with.
Who knows though. I don’t want to give up on him yet, seeing how my past strategies didn’t exactly work. Maybe he is perfect for me?
And here we are, I am writing about it and ruining it. Someone come save me from being the girl that I used to be.